Both Sides of Now

At first blush, any Saturday can be as pedestrian as the last, melding into a lifetime of mediocre experiences. The realization that an exceptional experience has occurred may not be felt until much later. That is not important, but recognizing and embracing the “a-ha!” moment is truly important.
A couple of intense and personal conversations with dear friends seemed to challenge me to think deeper about who I am today. Time and space have kept us apart over these busy years, but their voices sound like yesterday even if the topics were different.
Silly wanderings in my mind can distract me from my friends' pains, all of whom, like myself, are standing on the brink of “elderly” with our toenails tipping over, holding on to whatever we see to keep from falling into the abyss of old age. Because after that, there’s very little to “look forward to.”
So we complain of the latest physical problems, what hurts, who else got hurt and, much too often, who died. But surely, this is normal, a truly integral part of the human experience. Why does our society view old age with dread when, for most Americans, there is a happy place (or at least the cessation of worldly pain) at the end? Why not look forward to death? And what kind of cultural influences train us to feel fear at this cultural presumption of what is normal? How does it influence our behavior? Lots to chew on here, but I digress.
I believe there is a connection between fear and paranoia which is rarely pointed out. For example, we couldn’t possibly function productively if we maintained consciousness of how fragile existence is. At least, I doubt I could face raw fear for very long. The crash created by rising existential consciousness is mostly a deflation of ego and intellect, only tolerated in controlled situations like workshops and retreats, removed from reality and ripe for ridicule by folks who have to work for a living. On the other hand, if I fear being attacked, well, it’s unlikely anyone would criticize me. These are times of warrantless NSA wiretaps and Internet cyber-snooping, with triple security checks before entering office buildings and spy cams in public parks, so it’s completely HEALTHY to think someone is out to get us. From 9/11 onward, in every altercation, we will be guilty until proven innocent. As corporations make mega-profits from the “war on terrorism” industry, Chicken Little and Dick Cheney are dancing to an Afghani war song, intoxicated by a tango of mutually assured destruction.
So it’s a good thing BushCo. got popped for manipulating every area of the law imaginable. For me, I can harrumph and “I-told-you-so” anyone I’ve had an argument with since 2000, no, 1979 or 1969. I’m not sure, but damn it if it wasn’t all true.
When I ran with my child over the 59^th Street Bridge on 9/11, I observed how we all processed the truth of what happened: that the USA was invaded with hostile intent, a major symbol of capitalism run amouk was destroyed with a horrible loss of life, the Pentagon's airspace was not only breeched and the building bombed, and NONE of the security resources we were expecting to kick in functioned. Not a one. Just like the breech of the levees in New Orleans, just like so many events since then, that we are basically alive at our corporate employer's will.
The experience of 9/11 was pretty much like the paranoid scenarios I’d imagined back in 1969. Or was it 1973?
Whatever.
Happy holidays?